Urban Dare - Boston, September 28 2013

This past weekend Beverly and I did the Urban Dare race. It is like a mini version of the television show The Amazing Race, which I love to watch. Teams of two walk, jog, run, take public transportation to locations around a city (in this case it was Boston) and either do a physical dare/challenge or simply have a photo taken of both teammates at the location.  You find the location of where to go by figuring out clues given to you at the beginning of the race.  I should also mention the "dare/challenge" is incredibly easy to do.

You can do to each location in any order you desire, but you do need to go to all of them before going to the finish line.  Figuring out the locations of the clues first and then mapping out a strategy for getting to all of them in the most efficient manner is really the best way to run this race. And having a person at home (or in their office) in front of a computer helping you to search the Internet and figure out the answers is a huge help. I want to give a big THANK YOU shout out to my friend Gary for helping us with this. The other thing you should have is a good smart phone and a street map of the city. Check and check.

So without further delay, here are the 12 clues, answers and our photos from this years race in Boston in September.  We can't wait to do this again in May 2014.

1. This Greek revival building currently houses something blue. In the past, it was three different houses of worship but later sinned as the Lido of Venice. Get your picture with this building's marquee.
ANSWER: The Charles Playhouse (which is the current venue for The Blue Man Group).

2. In 1837, this philanthropist petitioned for the first public botanical garden created in the United States. Locate the plaque dedicated to him.
ANSWER: We were told before the race started this one would be hard to find. Thankfully other racers we encountered helped us out with where this was.  There is a very small plaque laying flat on the grass near the entrance to the Boston Public Garden just in front of the Bronze Statue of George Washington. Finding this on our own would have been very hard to do. The tiny plaque is in our shadow between us.

3. It is the year 1917, Stealth boats are threatening your fleet. What do you do? Lay thousands of mines of course. Locate the memorial dedicated to the brave men who led this North Sea mine barrage and get your picture with a mine.
ANSWER: The Sailor and Soldiers Monument in the Boston Common.

4. Get your picture in front of the only bar in town where you can enjoy a cold Sam Adams while looking at a cold Sam Adams.
ANSWER: Find the Sam Adams statue (a cold Sam Adams) in front of Faneuil Hall.

5. This famous gilded insect was stolen in 1974 but recovered before a ransom could be demanded. Take your picture on the steps of the building it sits upon.
ANSWER: There is a grasshopper weather vane on the top of the Faneuil Hall building.

6. If you ever played the piano, you probably played this song written by Hoagy Carmichael. On July 3, 1961, it reached No. 18 on the Billboard Hot 100...who knew? Find the store that resembles the name, with a twist (HINT: think feet not spirit), to this beloved piece of music and take your picture.
ANSWER: Heart and Soul

7. Everyone knows October 31 is Halloween but do you know why? It has something to do with the day after. Find the storefront that shares its name with this lesser known holiday for your dare:
ANSWER: The answer was a store named AllSaints located on Newbury Street. And the dare was to count all of the sewing machines in the storefront window display. All 212 of them.

8. Famous runners in Boston placed their feet in the cement outside the now defunct Eliot Lounge. Unfortunately, the original sidewalk was destroyed but a piece of the recreated one still exists somewhere in the city. Find it and get a picture of it with your feet.
ANSWER: At the Eliot Hotel to the right of the restaurant on Mass Ave are two tiny foot imprents. Very hard to find. Again we were fortunate to have our friend Gary tell us exactly where to go and there were also other racers gathered around taking their own photos.

9. You are looking for a bronze artwork in the shape of a fountain. It was presented to the city in 1930 to beautify this triangular park. Find it for your next dare.
ANSWER: It is the Statler Fountain in Statler Park. Our dare was simple enough. Each team had different words on their "passport" cards. You had to walk around the fountain and find sticks in the ground that had a letter and corresponding number on it. Add up all of the numbers to the corresponding letters in your word and give the answer to the official. Easy to do.

10. Can a building be knocked up?  This one looks like it was. Locate this unusual architectural styled building and get your picture with it.
ANSWER: Again, big thanks to Gary for knowing exactly what we needed to find. A building that looks like it is pregnant.

11. What does the wife of our second president, an abolitionist, and a slave turned writer have in common? They all have a statue dedicated to them. Find them to perform you next dare.
ANSWER: It is the Boston Women Memorial just outside the Public Garden. The dare was a very easy three-legged race around the memorial.

12. Photo Hunt: Get your picture with a person playing a musical instrument.
ANSWER: This was rather funny because Beverly and I were sitting on a bench in the middle of Faneuil  Hall working on answering all of these questions, when all of sudden she heard a guy playing on a guitar and jumped up and screamed lets go, quick.  This poor guy playing a guitar got swarmed by a half dozen teams that seemed to come out of no where. Everyone helped each other to take the needed photos, but I think we were the only ones to actually leave the guy a little tip.

BONUS: Get your picture sitting on Henry C. Merwin's bench.
ANSWER: We were walking toward the Boston Women Memorial when we were stopped by another race team sitting on a bench and asked us to take their picture. They told us it was the answer to the bonus. We were actually never going to do the bonus, but hey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth right? So we took their picture and they took ours. Turns out they were right.

We had a great time and will definitely do this again next year. We probably covered about 5 miles on foot and it took us a little over 3 hours. We only used public transportation once toward the end because we were getting very tired and it was going to be a bit of hike from Boston Common to Hanover St in the North End.

We loved doing this and we hope others will join us next May.

Go to hell scumbag

I would like every state and our federal government to pass the following law.

Any criminal convicted of any crime that gets him/her sentenced to life in prison without a chance for parole should get:

1. One and only one appeal at either the state Supreme Court or federal Supreme Court (determined by the lower court that convicted him/her: if convicted in a state court their appeal is in the state Supreme Court; if convicted in a federal court their appeal is in the federal Supreme Court).
2. If the appeal fails than the inmate has the option to a quick and humane death sentence to be carried out immediately.

Of course what I would really want is for any criminal convicted in such a manner to be instantly put to death without giving them the option, but I know that is a long way from actually happening. So the above are baby steps toward my ultimate desire.

I hate paying for these lowest of all life forms to live out their natural lives at my expense. Yep, that’s right I desire this because I’m sick and tired of my hard earned tax dollars paying for these scumbags to live until they die of natural causes (or shank – fingers crossed).

In 2010 the VERA Institute of Justice (http://www.vera.org/pubs/price-prisons-what-incarceration-costs-taxpayers) completed a study that concluded it costs tax payers an average of $31,286 per year per inmate. The total cost across the US in 2010 to taxpayers was $39 billion. BILLION DOLLARS!!!

Let’s find out just how much money we could save by having a study performed with all “lifers” to see if they would take the option. Even if only 10% say Yes, I would still take those savings.

The slow death of baseball or how to save it

Let’s face it professional baseball is on a slow death march to oblivion. Baseball hasn’t been relevant since before the ‘80’s. It is obvious the NFL has been the preeminent sport in America for a long time. Even the NBA and NHL are more interesting then baseball, but both also need some “fixing up”.

Baseball owners don’t care, they are laughing all the way to the bank even though they love to cry poor. Eight work stoppages since 1972 and every time it is all about the money and the owners telling us they are losing money hand over fist every year. Bullshit. If you don’t believe me, go to Forbes website and due the research. Trust me; every team is making tons of money for the owners.

So the owners have no motivation to fix baseball. They will let this go on until it’s too late. Once they stop making money they will just let it die. They won’t care about fixing what is wrong with the game. These are businessmen who only care about profits. When there is no more profit they will sell and move on leaving empty ball parks and disheartened fans behind.

Fact 1: 1970 All-Star game posted a 28.5 TV rating. In 2013 the TV rating was an abysmal 6.9.
Fact 2: 1980 World Series posted a 32.8 TV rating. In 2012 the TV rating was 7.6; the lowest rating ever. Even the NBA in 2013 posted a 10.4 rating for the “nobody cares outside of Miami and San Antonio” Heat/Spurs matchup.

People would rather watch a bad Monday Night Football (Jaguars/Titans) game then a great baseball playoff game. Just look at 2010: ALCS game 3 pulled in a 6.5 rating and MNF pulled in a 7.2. America would rather watch bad football then good baseball.

So how do you fix baseball: does anyone even care? If I were the commissioner of Major League Baseball I would:

1. Eliminate the designated hitter rule forever. A real baseball player should play the field and try to hit the ball. No more coddling the American League pitchers. Make them go to bat.
2. Shorten the game. In 1970 the average MLB game took 2 hours and 30 minutes. Since 2007 the average game now takes 2 hours and 50 minutes. Enforce a pitch clock of 15 seconds. In 2010 the average time a pitcher took to throw a pitch was 21 seconds; that is ridiculous.
3. Shorten the game part 2. Limit warm-up pitches to 5. Everyone knows the new pitcher has already warmed up in the bullpen. Why waste more time.
4. Shorten the game part 3. Keep the batter in the batter’s box once he steps in. No more stepping out after every pitch to adjust your hitting glove or read the same signs from the 3^rd base coach over and over again.
5. Shorten the game part 4. And the most difficult change to implement…fewer commercials between innings. Shorten the time between innings so TV networks are forced to show fewer commercials.
6.  Shorten the season. 162 regular season games, makes most games meaningless. Make the regular season games mean something.  Here is a 120 regular season formula:
   - play 4 (2 home; 2 away) – 3 game series against your division rivals. That is 12 games x 4 division opponents equaling 48 games.
   - play 2 (1 home; 1 away) – 3 game series against the other division opponents in your own league. That is 6 games x 10 opponents equaling 60 games.
   - play every team in just 1 opposing league division in 1 3-game series. That is 12 more games for a grand total of 120 regular season games.
7. Start the season after April 15^th and end before Labor Day. Early April/November games can be dicey weather wise in northern cities. Plus baseball players don’t like to play in the rain and cold. End before Labor Day so you can take advantage of no NFL games to compete against.  The NFL does not start until after Labor Day. The first baseball playoff games should begin Labor Day weekend.
8. Eliminate the winning League of the All-Star game gets home field advantage in the World Series. This is a monumentally bad idea. The team with the best regular season record should have home field advantage. A tie breaker can be the best winning percentage in the playoffs. And a third tie breaker is a flip of a coin.

Well that is my opinion and I’m sticking to it. I can’t wait for football season to start!

Do Not Save Detroit

From the immortal words of Dr. Klahn, “Take him to…Detroit!”

For thirty-six years those words held true. Nobody wanted to live in Detroit. Nobody would ever want to visit Detroit. And this week the city of Detroit finally gave in and filed for federal bankruptcy protection.

Emperor Hirohito, from his grave, has a little smile on his face today. Japan may have never successfully taken down the US in World War II but today they officially destroyed an entire US city.

Please do not save Detroit. Build a giant wall around the city and turn it into the world’s largest prison. It is already 80% of the way there; they just need the wall to complete it.

It is nobody’s fault but their own (corruption in the city government is rampant) and the big 3 auto makers: General Motors, Ford and Chrysler.

I don’t know if the Big 3 were ignorant, stubborn or just bad businessmen but they never recovered from the 1970’s gas crisis and the Japanese. By the time the US automakers realized the Japanese were building better cars it was too late and the end of Detroit was a foregone conclusion. The only reason it took 36 years to become official is because Americans love to buy on credit and live on debt.

Who do you think will ultimately pay for the $5.3 billion dollar debt Detroit owes? It will be you and I, the tax payer.  I don’t want to pay a single cent toward saving a city nobody wants to live in. The people who are there are simply stuck and unable to move because they have no money. I would pay to relocate them. Abandon the city.

Give each of the 700,000 remaining residents (excluding government employees and auto industry executives) $5,000 to either relocate or become residents of the new Detroit Penitentiary City. That will only cost us $3.5 billion dollars.

I am not 25 any longer

Last week my wife and I spent a wonderful vacation in Cancun, Mexico despite a minor setback; me getting sick and not able to do anything for 2 days. And despite what you might be thinking, “Hey it’s Mexico don’t drink the water”, that was not the cause of my downfall.

My belief that I can still eat, drink and be as active as I was 20 years ago was the real culprit here. My ego is a bit out of whack when it comes to being realistic of what I can and cannot do. Frankly the whole thing sucks; getting older sucks. Having to watch what I eat and drink sucks. Having to be more realistic about what I physically can and cannot do sucks.

I told my wife I should buy a t-shirt that says “I am not 25 any longer” before our next vacation and wear it for the first few days.  Her reply was:  “I will buy a t-shirt for myself that says ‘You are not 25 any longer’”.  She has always been very supportive of my decisions, even the bad ones.

So no more day long drinking fests of Captain Morgan and Coke and Long Island Ice Tea’s. Now it’s a Peña Colada after dinner and done. And dinner is now a piece of plain chicken. I remember Grandma Ruth always ordered plain chicken no matter what restaurant we went to.  We were all just a little bit embarrassed and all of us tried to convince her it was OK to splurge a little and eat something that tasted better then plain chicken. Now I know what she was up to. She knew better than we did: Wise beyond her years.

So, 4 bags of I.V. fluid with medicine (Ranitidine, Butilhioscina, Amikacin, Ciprofloxacin, Metoclopramide) later and I was back on my feet, mostly. The doctor at the resort, Dr. Manuel de Jesus Cruz Toledo, who was fantastic and very nice, recommended I take it easy the next couple of days and of course I still had to take medicine, ciprofloxacin, twice a day for the next 7 days.

Lesson learned? Only time will tell. J

Driving Me Crazy

This is a true story that actually happened to me several years ago. I used to commute on the Massachusetts turnpike (the Pike) every day. I am the true definition of a Masshole driver. Just get out of my way.

Scene Setup: Westbound on the Pike, 2 miles before the Cambridge Street / Storrow Drive – Allston, Brighton, Cambridge toll plaza.

I’m fairly happy traveling in the far left lane behind the guy in the Camry. He is driving fast.  At the 2 mile mark before the toll plaza we pass under the first sign: a bright yellow warning about the toll plaza ahead and Fast Lane customers should stay to the left. In fact the sign says “Fast Lane” only. This story pre-dates the conversion to E-Z Pass.

Fast Lane: An interesting naming choice since we are only allowed to travel at 15 MPH through the “Fast Lane” lane. Of course I disregard this every day. I can usually get through it between 30 and 40 MPH. That is of course until I get behind a non-commuter who insists on following the law to the letter. I usually start screaming at them when I realize our speed has dropped below 30 and my oh so descriptive words of the slow poke in front of me get closer and closer to “the line” you are not supposed to cross with each drop in speed. If he/she gets to 15 the words coming out of my mouth are far too vulgar to print. But I digress.

One mile before the toll plaza and there is that same bright yellow sign about the toll plaza coming up and “Fast Lane” only customers should stay to the left.

One half mile before the toll plaza and … that’s right you guessed it, that same bright yellow sign about the toll plaza coming up and “Fast Lane” only customers should stay to the left.

Any idea what is going to happen when the Camry and I get to the toll plaza?

A quarter mile and the same warning sign. No problem for me. The speedy Camry and I going to zoom right through it.

Getting closer, almost there and … ssssssssccreeeeeeeeeeeeecccch and STOPPED.

The Camry has stopped in the toll plaza, directly underneath the “Fast Lane” sign and I have come to a grinding halt just inches from his rear bumper. There is no way for me to get around him or backup since the line of cars behind me is piling up quickly. This is after all a weekday afternoon at the start of commuting time. If someone sneezes wrong while driving on the Pike you get backed up for at least 2 miles.

I count to myself: one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three..oh fuck it. Are you fucking kidding me? Now I am screaming out loud. Did you not see the signs? They were bright yellow. They had the word “only” on them. If you didn’t know what “Fast Lane” meant then you shouldn’t have been in this lane. What the hell are you looking for? Just go. Go forward and pull over. You are already screwed. My hand gestures and potty mouth went on and on and on for a full minute of this until something even worse happened.

He got out of his car. He got out and walked around the back of his car without making any eye contact with me and walked across two more toll plaza lanes to a person manning a booth. Holy fucking hell it’s a god damn good thing my car isn’t armed with missiles. As he walks back to his car the look on my face would kill Medusa herself. Come on jackass just look up at me once and poof you’re dead meat.

As he squirms his way back into his car, fastens his seat belt and puts his car in gear the most terrified look falls upon my face. I just looked up at my windshield and noticed my Fast Lane transponder is not where it should be. In fact, I know where it is. It is in my coat pocket, which is hanging over the back of my chair in my office. Oh fuck me.

I pulled up, stopped in the toll plaza and made the walk of shame with my head held down over to the man in the booth to get a ticket.

Is 8th grade graduation really necessary?

Is 8th grade graduation really necessary? I hope I am not the only one who thinks this is ridiculous. This is not an accomplishment. Anyone can do it. All you have to do is show up and do some of the homework. Face fact, your parents helped or did a lot of your homework and projects for you. Why did they help you? Because kids today are lazy, spoiled and coddled to the extreme.

Celebrating 8th grade graduation is on par with receiving participation trophies in sports. We know your team stunk this year going 0 – 12 but here is a plastic trophy to put on your bookshelf and collect dust. Two thumbs up; way to go kid; congratulations on scoring 2 goals this year…against your own team.

Do I sound bitter; like a grumpy old man? Maybe a little grumpy, but I am just sick and tired of all this type of crap. It has to stop. The only lesson kids are learning is it doesn’t matter how good or bad you are at something you are still going to get rewarded. And this is entirely the wrong message to send. Do you know what happens when you are bad at your job? You get fired. Do you know what happens when you are bad at a sport you go out for in High School, College and the Pros? You don’t make the team.

If your kid isn’t athletically inclined then stop encouraging him to try harder. Focus their attention on something they might be good at like science, math, playing a musical instrument. And hey if all else fails just know the world still needs ditch diggers.

My irritability over this probably stems from last night’s 8th grade graduation ceremony that I was dragged kicking and screaming to. Two hours and 10 minutes long on a night where the temperature outside was 85 and humid and the temperature inside the un-air-conditioned auditorium was over 100. A full 1 hour and 5 minutes spent on 108 8th graders walking across the stage one at a time and pausing so a teacher can say something nice about each and every student. Seriously, every single student stopped while a teacher gave them some words of praise, appreciation and encouragement for their next great battle in life.

Oh for the love of all that is holy in the universe please just once tell the truth. Fifteen minutes into this I was ready to stand up and scream: “Tell the truth we all know that kid was the troublemaker and you hated having him in your class as much as all the other parents hated having to have their own child around him. We all know his future will be as a future inmate at Walpole Correctional.” Oh that would have been so sweet.

Was Middle School really that bad? I know it is socially awkward and hormones are raging for the first time in their lives. But seriously it wasn’t that hard. You didn’t have to do anything to get through it except show up every day. The kids actually got diplomas. Are we setting up future employers to start asking for 8th grade diplomas instead of High School diplomas or GED certificates?

Please. Pretty please with sugar on top; Stop this insanity.